Come Back To Me
by mrfiddlesticks
Summary: Spock resigns from Starfleet at the end of their five year mission, much to Kirk's dismay. Friendship fic, mild K/S if you squint really hard and use a magnifying glass.


**A/N** So, this was based on the song "Come Back To Me" by David Cook. You don't have to know it to understand this; it's just where the inspiration (and title) came from. And I only listened to it like twenty time while I was writing this...but anyway. Also, I didn't write this fic specifically as K/S, but I'm such a huge Spirk shipper that it might have crept in. I think it can be read either way. (The amount of slash in this fic is less than or equal to the amount in the series itself. Which, depending on your point of view, is none at all...or so much that you can't believe 1960s sensors missed it.)

This takes place at the end of the 5 year mission, when the _Enterprise _is heading back to Earth.

Come Back To Me

Jim didn't look up at the firm knock on his door. "Come," he called, eyes still fixed on the PADD in front of him. He knew who would be standing in his doorway.

Spock stepped into his captain's quarters, the door closing silently behind him. "You requested my presence, Captain?"

"Yes, Mr. Spock." Jim spun his chair around so that he was facing Spock. "My attention has been drawn to a rather grievous error in your most recent request for shore leave." Jim looked up at his First Officer. "It would seem that, unintentionally, of course, you submitted a resignation rather than a request for leave." Jim stared at Spock, whose emotions were hidden behind a blank mask that was, to Jim, a better indicator of Spock's feelings than an actual expression.

"There has been no error, Captain."

"No error," Jim repeated softly. He looked away from Spock and pressed his lips together, gripping the edges of the PADD that held Spock's resignation. "You truly plan to resign from Starfleet?"

"I have found that, after five years among humans, I must remind myself of what it means to be Vulcan. My control is no longer what it was, and I have been finding it difficult to meditate." At this, Spock dark gaze briefly met Jim's.

"You are resigning from Starfleet. And you don't even tell me?" Jim gritted his teeth as Spock, eyes again fixed on the opposite wall, refused to look at him. "You just – send this notice with the usual Science reports and just expect me to approve it?!"

"On the contrary, Captain, I am telling you now. I am resigning. If you do not approve my request, then I will wait until the _Enterprise_ reaches Earth to file the appropriate paperwork and formally withdraw my candidacy from the position of First Officer for your next five year mission." Spock paused and looked at Jim. His face showed not change from its usual stoic expression, but Spock's eyes pleaded with Jim for understanding. "However, the process will be much expedited by your cooperation now, and neither of us will be subjected to the emotional disturbances my departure may create within Starfleet command." Apparently unable to hold Jim's gaze any longer, Spock's eyes flitted away, to examine the carpet at his feet.

Jim nodded to himself. The splitting of the best command team in Starfleet, in addition to the abrupt loss of the best First Officer in the fleet, was bound to infuriate their higher ups. Signing off on Spock's resignation now would give HQ three months to adjust to the idea before the _Enterprise_ returned to Earth. They also would not have the chance to attempt to convince Spock to stay, something Jim knew from experience would be impossible once the Vulcan set his mind on something.

On the other hand, refusing to sign the request would earn him three more months of Spock.

"But dammit, Spock!" Jim stood abruptly and started to pace. "You couldn't have said something? I still don't really understand what this is all about. None of the crew are giving you crap for being Vulcan, are they? Is it your father again? Or what?"

Spock shifted slightly, the only outward sign that he was uncomfortable. "I apologize, Captain –"

"_Jim_, Spock," Kirk interrupted. "I'm asking as your friend, not as your commanding officer."

Spock inclined his head slightly. "Jim. I apologize for not speaking to you about this sooner, but I was…unsure…about how to broach the subject with you. I wished to avoid the reaction you are currently experiencing."

Jim groaned. Had Spock mentioned his burning desire to leave earlier, they could have talked about it. Jim would have known, if not understood, his reasons and had time to come to terms with Spock's decision. As it was, Jim had three days to either let Spock have his way or leave it to Starfleet command, before the _Enterprise_ passed the point where they could detour to Vulcan.

"Spock…" Jim trailed off. What to say? "Spock, how long have you been thinking about this? You never mentioned that you were unhappy – or not content, let's say – with your job and your life here. I don't understand."

Spock took a step closer; he raised an arm slightly, almost as though he would reach for Jim, before clasping his behind his back in an example of the utmost professionalism. "I assure you, Jim, that this is not a spontaneous decision, but that I have spent a great deal of time considering my course of action. I have arrived at the conclusion that the only way to recover my control and reaffirm my commitment to the teachings of Surak is for me to return to Vulcan. Permanently. I am asking you, as my friend, to listen and respect my request."

"Fine," Jim said, staring into Spock's eyes. "Fine. I suppose I will simply have to wait for you. I'll postpone the five year mission; give the crew some time with their families on Earth. It's not like there isn't plenty for the _Enterprise_ to do around Earth, anyway." He held up a hand before Spock could speak. "I am _not _about to go on another five year mission without you. Who would I play chess with? And who would tease Bones about being such an illogical human?"

"Presumably you would play chess with my replacement. Or you would find another partner among the current crew. I understand that Lieutenant Uhura also understands the basic rules and strategy of the game. As for who would, as you put it, 'tease' Doctor McCoy, I believe he might appreciate my absence."

Jim rolled his eyes. If he had wanted to play chess with Uhura, he would have. It wasn't like he hadn't had every opportunity; they had spent five years together, after all. "Bones will miss you." Jim informed Spock. "For all his griping, he does like you, and you know it. Complaining is just his way of showing that he cares."

"Most illogical."

Jim grinned suddenly, and the corner of Spock's mouth twitched. Jim's smiled faded, however, as he remembered their ritual; Spock commenting on Jim's (and McCoy's) illogical nature, and Jim teasing Spock about his emerging emotional, human, side. His heart ached already at the thought of never having another of those conversations.

Jim squared his shoulders and faced Spock, addressing him as Captain to Commander. "I will approve your request." He narrowed his eyes. "But you are not done with the _Enterprise _yet, Mr. Spock. Your quarters will remain unoccupied, and I will not fill your position on board this ship until you return. You will not have a replacement; should the _Enterprise_ be forced to leave Earth, she will do so without a First Officer. Is that clear?"

Spock gave an almost imperceptible sigh. "Captain. Jim. It is quite unnecessary to reserve my quarters. It is equally unnecessary and most illogical to refuse to fill the position of First Officer or Science Officer until my return."

Jim waved this away and paused, thinking.

"I can divide your First Officer's duties among myself and some of the other senior officers. It'll be tough. But if you want the rest of us to have any spare time in the next five years, you'll come back. I suppose one of your lieutenants from Science can do fill in for you. Not well, of course, but it will have to do." He fixed Spock with a severe look. "So if you don't think we can survive in space without a proper command crew, you had better come back."

There was a pause as the two men considered each other, Spock with one eyebrow raised. The familiar expression made Jim's throat tighten.

"Despite what you may think, Jim, I am in fact familiar with the human practice of 'blackmail.'"

Again Jim had to smile. He remembered a time when he wouldn't have understood Spock's deadpan humor. Another thing to miss.

"Oh, it's not blackmail. Consider it incentive. Just in case the thought of me sitting around waiting for you, doing nothing, isn't incentive enough." He had the James T. Kirk patent-protected smile on full force now, for all the good he expected it to do him. This was Spock, after all.

Spock actually seemed to waver slightly in his resolve, but resumed his stoic expression so fast that Jim wasn't sure if he had imagined the flicker of regret on the Vulcan's face.

Jim gave the faintest ghost of a smile. "Well, you'll have to come back anyway. At least to let me know if you've succeeded. If you've figured out how to be a proper Vulcan, or whatever you think you're doing."

Spock raised an eyebrow. "What is it that you think I'm doing, Captain?"

Jim scowled and paced the room, walking around Spock who had yet to actually move from his position in the center of the room.

"I don't know, and that's the problem! I have absolutely no idea why you've decided to just up and leave." He glared at Spock. "And don't think that I buy your story about you being unable to meditate. I can tell when you can't focus, just like you and Bones can tell when I haven't been sleeping well."

Spock nodded. "You are correct in your assessment of my behavior. The problem is not that I cannot meditate, but that my meditation has very little effect on my ability to sufficiently control my emotions. I no longer behave in a manner appropriate for Vulcans. I believe that my prolonged exposure to a large group of humans for such a long period of time is the cause. I also believe that this may be rectified by my return to Vulcan."

Jim grimaced. "Are you saying that you're leaving because you're acting more like a human than a Vulcan?"

A pause, as Spock considered. "A rather simplified understanding, but essentially correct."

"And you have to leave because we're corrupting you with our humanness."

Spock sighed. "Jim, I do not want you to think that my resignation is due to any fault of your own. This is my failing, not yours, and not that of any member of the crew. When I am exposed to so much…" Spock's eyebrows contracted as he searched for the right phrase, "raw emotion, it has a significant effect on me. I have difficulty controlling my own emotions."

Jim rubbed his eyes with one hand. "Is that such a bad thing? What's wrong with being a little human? You're just supposed to ignore that part?"

"I cannot ignore it, Jim," Spock said softly. "But I must be in control of myself, or I will be a danger to you and those around me." When Jim did not look at him, Spock took a step closer. "I must attain _kolinahr_ – and purge all emotion. I would have preferred to find a solution to my disability on board this ship, but I realize now that this is impossible."

Jim shuddered slightly at Spock's mention of the Vulcan ritual. Spock had mentioned the _kolinahr_ to him before, but it had only been in passing. Not something Spock had considered for himself; because that would me that Spock would not return to Starfleet. He would find a more logical profession on Vulcan.

"You never want to feel anything again? Not ever?" Jim murmured, a touch desperately. Spock inclined his head, a gesture Jim took as confirmation. "What does that mean for us, then?" He glanced up in time to see a flicker of _something_ on Spock's face. Sorrow? Regret? Quickly hidden behind Vulcan reserve.

"The _kolinahr_ ritual will not change the fact that we are friends."

Jim scowled. "Maybe not. Or maybe you won't even want be around us emotional humans anymore, friendship or no."

There was a touch of sadness in Spock's eyes now. "I can make no promises, Jim."

Jim sat heavily on the bed, rubbing his face, hating this conversation. "This doesn't seem a little extreme to you? You get a little expressive, for a Vulcan, so the only solution is to get rid of your emotions?"

"I am afraid that I have exhausted all other possibilities, Captain."

"You couldn't have told me, though?"

Spock hesitated. "I have found that my control is far more likely to slip in your presence than in any other situation."

Jim couldn't help but grin at this admission. "I make you emotional."

Spock shifted in a way Jim swore indicated discomfort. The thought made Jim's smile widen. "It would appear so. Which explains why I would be unable to accept any assistance you might offer me."

Jim smiled wryly. "I suppose that makes sense. The problem can't be part of the solution. Though I certainly wish I could."

"I appreciate the sentiment, regardless. If you could have been of assistance, I would have informed you immediately."

Jim rolled his eyes. "Sure you would have." But he continued to smile at Spock, a smile his First Officer returned with his eyes.

Jim stood and clapped his hands together, suddenly businesslike. "Alright then; let's figure this out."

Spock's eyebrow lifted. "I was not aware that there was anything to 'figure out,' Captain."

Jim looked at him seriously. "Oh, but there is, Mr. Spock. There most certainly is." He grinned crookedly at the puzzled expression on Spock's face, an expression only those who knew him well would recognize.

"I do not understand. All that is needed is your signature."

Jim shook his head. "No. See, I'm losing my best friend and my second in command. That sucks for me. So I better get something out of this, right? That's how this is going to work."

Spock blinked at him.

Jim waited, but when it became clear that Spock still did not understand, he took pity on the poor Vulcan.

"We're going to make a deal. I'll do this for you if you do something for me. See?"

Both of Spock's eyebrows lifted this time. "What do you wish for me to do?"

Jim chuckled. "Oh, come on. There's no need for that look. I'm not going to make you do anything too awful."

"What look?"

Jim grinned again and waved a dismissive hand. "Never mind." He looked at Spock seriously. "The deal is this: I sign off on your resignation. And you promise that you'll come back to see me."

Spock returned Kirk's look with equal intensity. "Jim. As I believe I have said before, I intend to leave permanently."

"I know. But you need to promise to come back, at least once. A visit."

"One visit."

"If that's all you want. The deal is that you come back at least once. But I meant what I said about your position on the _Enterprise_." He watched as Spock searched his face, assessing the severity of his commitment. "I won't replace you. I'll resign, or Starfleet will fire me, before I set out on a five year mission with someone else."

Spock held his gaze for a moment longer before nodding once.

"As you wish."

"Alright then. Let's shake on it."

Jim held out his hand, a challenge in his eyes. Spock stared at the outstretched hand.

"I do not understand the purpose of this custom."

"You know what a handshake is. Humans often use it to seal an agreement. And don't give me any of that Vulcans-are-touch-telepaths crap. I know. And I am choosing to disregard that information. So if you want me to sign that damn paperwork, we are going to shake hands."

Spock looked at Jim, and Jim was relieved to identify amusement, rather than offence or irritation, in his eyes. Never breaking eye contact, Spock reached out to take Jim's hand in his own. They stood for a moment, clasping hands, before Jim abruptly pulled Spock forward and hugged him tightly. He felt the Vulcan's body stiffen in surprise, but didn't loosen his grip. Through the contact at their still-joined hands, Jim tried to project everything he felt for Spock; how much he loved their chess matches, the fact that he remembered each and every time Spock uttered the word 'fascinating,' his awe at Spock's unwavering loyalty, how lonely the bridge would feel once Spock was gone, and, most of all, the intensity of his affection for his closest friend and the best second-in-command he could have asked for.

When they finally separated, Jim stared up at Spock's face, afraid of what he would see there. But Spock simply gazed back at him, dark eyes maybe a little brighter than usual. Jim couldn't be sure.

"So, Spock." Jim gestured helplessly. "I guess this is it. It's been fun, huh?"

Spock mouth turned up at both corners this time, a small but unmistakable smile. "Yes, Jim. It has been 'fun.'" He briefly squeezed Jim's hand, still held in his own, and finally let go. He inclined his head toward Jim, then turned and left the room. The door closed behind him with a gentle _woosh_.

Jim stood in silence for several long minutes before sinking slowly back into his chair and staring at the PADD in front of him. Spock had left, trusting that Jim would keep his word and sign the document. Captain Kirk sighed and scrawled his signature at the bottom of the PADD. He already felt the loss.

**Reviews feed my hungry, creative soul. Which is good. Plus I'll give you a puppy.***

***No, I won't. But it would be awesome of you anyway.**


End file.
